© Amanda Maria 2014 - Self Portrait
** This has been sitting in my drafts for a couple months and i haven’t had the guts to post it until today.
One of my assignments for my portfolio was to take a self portrait. We could make it as simple as we wanted, or as deep as we wanted. This one is mine. Here’s my explanation:
Since the beginning of High School, right up until my third semester of College, I’ve had a bad view on how I thought about myself and how I saw myself in the mirror. I would always compare myself to my friends: my face was too chubby, my tummy was too big, and my thighs touched. As the years went on this got worse and worse and it started to affect me both emotionally and physically. Some days I didn’t feel like leaving the house because I didn’t want to be seen since I was disgusted with myself. Other days I would feel okay, but then out of no where, in the middle of public I would want to burst into tears because I thought people were judging me, or I would just put myself down mentally. I would go out with my friends and want to hide because I felt like the “ugly friend”.
The last day that I did this I remember clearly; I was out with my parents shopping and all of a sudden I had a strong erg to cry. After that day, I told myself that this needed to stop.
New Years 2014 came around and I had figured out my resolution; I needed to become more confident. And what a way to start that by changing my self portrait. My first one reflected how I was always trying to hide myself in public, but I didn’t want that to be me anymore.
This picture is the start to my new chapter. My new beginning in a way. I’m not going to hide myself anymore. I’m not going to feel sorry for myself anymore. I’m going to wake up every morning and go do what I need to do, and while I do it I will hold my head high and show the world that I am no longer that girl who wanted to hide every time she was in public.
I didn’t take this picture to prove anything to anyone. I took this picture for myself. To remind myself that no matter what I say and no matter what I think, I am beautiful.
Since New Years, I have not cried a single time because of my body. I have not told myself that I wasn’t good enough.
What I have done is smiled every time I saw myself in the mirror, I have started to tell myself “Man, I look good today”, I’ve given myself compliments, I have walked down the halls at school with my head up, instead of looking down.
I can truly say I am proud of who I am now, and I’m much happier than I have been in a while.
It took me so long to post this because deep down I was still insecure and wondered what people would think if and when they would read this, but today it hit me; I was looking at myself in the mirror and thought to myself “I’m not fat.” and it took me 5 years to realize that.
Message for you: If you’re struggling with body image issues, you are not alone. If you need someone to talk to, I am here to help you. You don’t get over these things overnight, it takes time.
If you’ve read this whole thing, it means a whole lot to me, and I really do appreciate it. Have a wonderful day, keep smiling, and remember that you are beautiful <3